Spiritual Eros Ask Dr. Bate - November 4, 2015 — Spiritual Eros - Sex and Intimacy Coaching

Dear Dr. Bate,

Any advice for smaller bators dealing with always being the smaller one when bating with buddies?

Garland’s Answer:

Thanks for your question, as it’s one that many guys are concerned about – the size of their penis compared to others.

So here is a statistic for you to remember but first I want you to go grab a ruler.

I’ll wait.

Got it? Good!

Now, according to the most recent studies, the average length of a flaccid penis is 3.5-3.6 inches. And the average erect penis is about 5.1 inches long. So take a moment and mark those two measurements off on your ruler and remember that, like on a bell curve, most guys you meet and/or bate with are going to fall within that average. Of course there are outliers – some guys are smaller than average while others are larger.

As penis-owning humans we often get so self-critical about the size of our penis instead of accepting and learning to enjoy AND love the penis we have. I have worked with clients who have insecurities about their penis size and I can tell you that there is almost nothing more emasculating than that worry and concern.

My advice, regardless of the size of penises you might surround yourself with, is this – find how you can honor and respect your body, especially your penis. You might think it strange, but I have found that when guys are ashamed of their penis size, that shame ripples outward – in their bodies AND their relationships. Guys either become inauthentic via overcompensation or they become inauthentic in self-defamation and ridicule. Either way, it’s inauthentic, not who you truly are. YOU ARE MORE THAN THE SIZE OF YOUR PENIS!

Personally, I am more turned on and attracted by a guy with a smaller penis who is in love with it, confident in his sexuality, and with his sexual expression, than a guy with a large penis who is disconnected from his body, his sex, and thinks that because he has a larger penis he doesn’t need to have a healthy relationship with his body or with others! Remember that shame is the fear of not living up to a certain standard set up by others. And those standards are usually grossly twisted and set up to benefit only a certain segment of the population. And as I pointed out earlier, we know what the REAL average standard is, not the standard society, media, and porn want you to believe.

My advice – judge yourself by your own ruler, then throw the ruler out!

Hoots, create ways in which you can honor the penis you have. Learn how to fall in love with him. Thank him for the immense and incredible pleasures he gives you and find ways to enhance that pleasure. For some good tips, check out my “Reclaiming Masturbation” series here on the blog.

A part of happiness and self-acceptance is not worrying about what others think of you. Deeply enjoy your own cock. Nurture that relationship, ‘cause at the end of the day, that’s the relationship that will last a lifetime! Let your brothers see the love and affection you have for yours!

Happy Penising!


Back in 1974 when I was a teenager, the Playgirl centerfold of the month was Mission: Impossible actor Peter Lupus. I was stunned, and ecstatic, to see him boldly show off his cock in its full glory. The four-page centerfold showed Peter with his hands behind his back naked with his peter dangling amid a thick bush of black pubes. There was also a picture of Peter in an open red robe with a semi hard-on and his bare feet showing, and one more nude shot. A later issue revealed two more nude pictures and his penis was featured as a blow-up on one page when he was named Man of the Year.

As I write this, my cock is rising and I am going to need to masturbate.

My question is…is this normal? I have shot load and load looking at Mr. Lupus for over 40 years now! And do you ever think he regretted doing this?

P.S. – Love your Bator Blog!

Toby’s Answer:

Thank you for sharing your enthusiasm for your 40+ year iconic infatuation with Peter Lupus in such juicy details. The way you describe every detail of his photos and your relationship to them is very enticing. I looked up the pictures on the internet because you piqued my interest…and they are pretty hot I must say!

First of all, to answer your question, I think it is rather normal. What I would encourage you to look further into would be what aspects of those photos draw you in. Maybe it is his unashamed confidence, his ultra-masculinity, embodied sexuality etc. Also, the circumstances surrounding those photos are also important. You mentioned that you were a teenager (discovering your own sexuality, maybe it was a secret and something that only you knew about) and that he was the famous Mission: Impossible actor of the time. So maybe success, popularity, etc., have a part in your attraction to him and those photos. Maybe there are some aspects of Peter Lupus that you wished to be like.

Whatever Peter Lupus represents for you, and those photos in particular, enjoy it. To answer your other question, I can’t speak for Peter Lupus’s feelings about his Playgirl spread, but I would bet that he would consider it the ultimate flattery to have been and continue to be the object of your affection and of your pleasure for over 40 years! Stroking your cock and Peter Lupus’s ego at the same time.

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